I could really die from this.

October 24, 2015    

Oprah again tonight. On “Belief” there was a woman, “Donna” who was about my age.  Just before she and her husband were to retire, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Her story sounded so much like mine. I watched as she went from shock to disbelief to acceptance. She relied on her faith, on prayers, on her friends’ prayers, and on her religion.  When her cancer markers went down and she went into remission, she thought she had beaten the odds and the cancer. She threw a party to celebrate.

A few months later her markers went from the low 30’s to 12,000. The cancer was back with a vengeance. She went through chemo again. Gradually I saw her come to terms with the fact that she was going to die soon. How soon was a matter of months, not years. She lived 2 years. I have triple negative breast cancer and was told that I was cured after the first year of treatment.  Two years later my cancer came back with a vengeance and it had metastasized. My doctor told me that the average survival time was 2 years.

I heard the words but just didn’t believe that they applied to me. In watching Donna’s journey on “Belief,” I saw an abridged version of my story. Every PET scan leads me closer to accepting the fact that I am not going to beat this cancer. I can win small battles but it will win the war.

My ex-husband’s new wife, Loree, invited me to their home today to be able to spend some time with his son and his family. Sam and I had been married for 20 years. His son Ben was only 7 when we married so for several years, Ben was like one of my own.  I keep up with Ben's family through Facebook but hadn’t seen him since my daughter’s wedding 2 years ago. I so appreciated Loree’s invitation. It really speaks to the kind of person she is that she was willing to invite her husband’s ex-wife over because she understood that the connection between Ben and me was important. As I watched Ben’s two children playing in the pool and his wonderful wife watching over them, I leaned toward him and said, “You are so blessed Ben.” He said, “Yes, they are great kids.”  Ben is OK.  I saw that brave little boy that was determined to “take care of everything” when Sam and I started dating. He was so young and yet saw himself being thrown into the role of the “man of the house” after his parents divorced. I didn’t know how the divorce, my entering his and his sister’s life as a stepmother, and the arrival of my two children with Sam would effect Ben and Amy. I saw Ben and Amy welcome their stepsiblings with total love. They took on the big brother and big sister role with relish. Seeing Ben married to such a wonderful woman and have two such fabulous children put a satisfied and loving end to our story. What little part I may have played in his life can now be closed knowing he is happy.

All four children are successful adults. All but my youngest are happily married. I would be a basket case if I were leaving young children.  Knowing that they are all grown and happy makes it a lot easier to let go. My ex, Sam, is so blessed to have Loree. They make a much better pair than we ever did. I can leave knowing he is happy too.  I worry about my parents, as it is never an allowable thing to let a child die before his or her parents. They have been such wonderful parents; it just isn’t fair that they should have to suffer through this loss.

My poor husband really got the short end of the stick. I was diagnosed four months after we met. That was four years ago and he has taken care of me ever since. We will be celebrating our 2^nd anniversary on Feb. 13, 2016. I was in remission almost 2 years.  It was the only time we have had without the big “C” hanging over our heads. To make matters worse, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. I was supposed to be the one who would be around to take care of him. He has two sons who will make sure he is OK but I worry about him being in a nursing home alone.  I genuinely hope he remarries, not only to have someone to care for him but also because he is such a great husband and has so much love to share.

I was also supposed to be the one to take care of my parents. I see the worry in their eyes as they try to figure out what they will do. They don’t want to go to a nursing home but without me, they don’t have much choice. I know it’s ridiculous but I feel so badly about letting them down after all they’ve done for me.

I’ve spent many hours trying to make sure that our finances are in shape and that my husband and kids will be taken care of financially. There really isn’t anything else I can do except to help with the emotional transition. I will be fighting the cancer for awhile but there will come a time when the chemo starts to kill me or when the cancer has spread so far that it cannot be stopped. There is always the hope that someone will come up with a cure but if anyone were close enough to do that in time for me, we’d know about it.  My best hope is to stay alive more than 2 years. My surgeon said that his sister-in-law has made it 6 years with triple negative. Maybe in that time frame, there could be a cure.

My biggest sense of loss lies in not being able to know my grandchildren. I was so blessed with the love of my grandma. I have looked forward to filling that role in the lives of my grandchildren. All a grandma has to do is love. Their parents have to raise them; from me all they get is total, unconditional love. I know what an important part my grandma played in my life. With all my heart, I wanted to give that to my grandchildren.

From the TV I hear “From the moment we are born, we are another day closer to our death. So how can we, in the process of dying, live?” Oprah states “death makes life matter.” For most of my life I have numbly struggled through the years working. Maybe a few years of truly living is better than many years of simply making it from day to day. I know that I am much more aware of time. Each day is precious.

In the show, “Donna” has faith in the prayers that are being said for her and believes God will heal her. She lives a lot longer than she was supposed to but she still dies. I can’t get past thinking that God gave me the cancer for a reason. Why then would he take it away?  Like Donna, I thought I was cancer-free too. Like Donna, it came back.  Chemo makes you look sick (and you are) but once you give it up, you look perfectly normal until the cancer inside of you grows to the point of invading and killing a vital organ.  The main pain of cancer comes during this time and lasts until death. I can be doped up during this time and pray that the cancer kills quickly. These are the steps of cancer: diagnosis, treatment, remission, reoccurrence, treatment, inability of treatment to conquer the cancer, accepting the inevitable, letting the cancer kill you, doping the pain, death.

I can accept the fact that we are all going to die sometime. I can accept dying from cancer. I am struggling with the timing.  I want more time with my husband, my children and my grandchildren.