Oct. 23, 2015
Oprah is figuring heavily in my life all of a sudden. I had
never heard her story before. She was born out of wedlock and unwanted. Neither
her mother nor father wanted her so her grandmother took her. Oprah grew up
knowing her parents did not want her but she did know that her grandmother
loved her. She was raped as a child, got
pregnant at 14, and had the baby who later died. She says she felt no
connection with that child which helped her to understand how her parents felt
about her. She also said she never
wanted children because she was never willing to sacrifice for a child.
Children take a lot of sacrifice. I’d encourage everyone to read her whole
story as well as the life story of Maya Angelou. The “God” things that happened to these two successful and tragic figures are astonishing. The message from both of them
was that we accomplish great things as soon as we realize who we are and
what we were meant to do. Her magazine this month is dedicated to being authentic.
I would love someone who knows me well to have the guts to
tell me who they think I am. I don’t know how I do it, but I tend to intimidate
people, be overly blunt, over-do everything, be pragmatic to a fault and
bulldoze my way through difficult situations.
Considering that I am a professional counselor, my personality doesn’t
fit the profile. I have always thought however, that more counselors should be
like I am. Some people misuse counselors treating them as paid friends who have to listen to their clients talk. Don't get me wrong, talk therapy can be very effective but as a school counselor, I don't have that kind of time. My approach to counseling is more
confrontational and orientated towards problem solving. As an adjunct college instructor, I taught my graduate
students to use Brief Therapy.
One of the articles in the Oprah magazine talked about
how being authentic can mean different things at different times. There was a period in my
life when my principal openly and brutally bullied me. She was extremely insecure and worried about
the administrators she had inherited from her predecessor. She got
rid of one of the assistant principals the first year. I was next and
the second assistant principal was put back into the classroom after I left. All the other administrators saw what she was doing and jumped on her
bandwagon for fear they would be next. It was the first time I had ever encountered someone who seemed to have no conscience and no problem being a bully.
I was making good money and knew that other counseling jobs
would pay much less. I also wanted to stay five years as my teacher retirement
was based upon my five highest income years. When I wouldn’t leave voluntarily,
she turned up the heat and made my life a living hell. I got so flustered by what she was doing that
I was afraid to say anything in my defense, even when the behavior was totally
ridiculous. I wished I had had a way to cut through the intimidation and fear and
force myself to think rationally in the middle of the bullying rather than long
after it was over. The following template may not
apply to everything but it can be tweaked per occasion.
Example:
I was pulled into the principal's office to face her and two assistant
principals. I was yelled at for going to a counselor breakfast put on by a local
college. I've been a school counselor for 20 years and keeping my contacts at this college was crucial as this was where we sent most of our students. These breakfasts are also where the college covered new admission policies, new programs and majors, changes to the application, new dorms and tons of other information. I had not missed one of these programs in 15 years. Not only was this meeting important, I had obtained permission to go from the principal.
I was accused of not being a
team player by putting that breakfast in front of my responsibilities at the school.
Apparently, there had been a drug raid with dogs that morning. The
principal and one assistant principal were at a meeting. This left only the
other assistant principal to handle the school, police, dogs, kids, and teachers. What I did not have
the guts to say was that while all of them knew about the drug raid, no one had
told me. I had also gotten permission to go to the breakfast from my principal. Their accusations
made no sense and if anything pointed to the fact that the principal was
negligent for not making sure more administrators were there. Why did she give
me permission to be gone and take an assistant principal with her to a meeting
when she knew there was going to be a drug raid? Since all three of them knew
about the raid, I would think that they should share the fault. However, all
three of them attacked me for being selfish and ignoring my obligations to the
school. I wish I had had the instrument below instead of being so intimidated
by their behavior, which happened in some form every day.
There can be multiple answers for each question.
1. Who is upset? Principal and 2 assistant principals
2. What are they upset
about? Only one administrator was here to handle the school and the drug
raid.
3. When did it happen?
At a time when I was at a college breakfast and 2 other administrators were at
a meeting.
4. Where did it happen?
The meeting for the administrators took place across the street in the district
office, my meeting was downtown, and 1 assistant principal was left at school
5. How could it have
been avoided? 1. Principal could
have not approved my meeting and told me it was because of the drug raid. 2. The three of them should have made sure
the school was covered if they did not want to tell me about the raid. 3. The
assistant principal who was in the meeting across the street could have come
back to the school.
6. How do we make sure
it doesn’t happen again?
1. Rather than trying to find ways to make me seem
incompetent, treat me as a fellow administrator and share information with me.
If I am to be expected to carry administrative responsibility, I should be at
the administrative meetings.
2. The principal should carry her phone/calendar with her at
all times so that she doesn’t give permission for someone to be away from the
school when he/she is needed. I asked her why she let me go if she knew there
was going to be a raid and her answer was that she couldn’t remember
everything.
If I had used this simple template to help me keep my cool, it
would have been obvious that it was not my fault and if anyone, it was fault
that should have been shared by the three of them. Obviously, they already knew
that and were counting on the fact that having the 3 of them gang up on me everyday would eventually get me to quit.
The point of all this is that while I know who I am most of
the time, under extreme circumstances, I become someone else. The assistant
principal whose turn would come the year after I left, used to be a friend. I understand what fear of losing your job can do to your sense of right
and wrong. He knew what he was doing and yet he was able to convince himself
that it wasn’t wrong. He didn’t get fired the next year but he did get put back
into the classroom. I didn’t get fired either but I was transferred to a middle
school geography position. I did appeal to the superintendent but was told that
he could not override a principal in favor of a counselor. I documented
everything and probably could have sued for bullying, intimidation and
harassment but if I was too beaten down to fight back over each incident, how
could I have coped with a lawsuit?
Learning to be authentic means knowing who you are under all
circumstances – good and bad. People comment on how well I am handling cancer.
Odd isn’t it that it is easier for me to handle a terminal disease than it is
to handle daily bullying. I felt more powerless then than I do now. What does
that say about me? All I could lose then was my job, cancer can take my life.
Maybe I still don’t think I’m going to die. I know I can handle chemo – it’s
not fun but doable. I could not handle people purposely trying to hurt me
everyday. It made me a better counselor once I understood what bullying could
do to kids.
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