Family, grandchildren and love

I have to apologize to those of you who faithfully check this blog to see if there is anything new. I have waited until the spirit moved me but now realize that I need to at least make a weekly post to make it worthwhile to visit this site. I have also used the excuse of being too busy to post because I need to use every minute I have any energy to get things done around the house. While this is a legitimate excuse, it is not conducive to a blog.

 I finally felt well enough to travel and spent a week visiting my parents, relatives and friends in Elkhart and South Bend. It wiped me out but was sooooo worth it. Being with aunts, uncles, cousins and my parents made me feel grounded. As crazy as the rest of the world may be, these people still know what is really important and because I was blessed to be raised by and with them, I too remembered what was truly important and what was not. Family, faith, love and even sorrow are the things that define civilizations - or - maybe just the incredible group of people I get to call my family.

There is first an outflowing of genuine and deep love. As the years go by, that love is enriched with memories and the wisdom of age. It was a little weird knowing that so many people made an effort to see me while I was home because they wondered if this would be their last opportunity. Nevertheless, the love we feel for each other is followed by the joy of being together again. My parents are 86 and one uncle is 90. The thoughts of dying are often the subject of conversation. I am now part of that discussion. Cousins my age are playing with or awaiting grandchildren. I, most likely, will never know mine. I am so envious of those who get to know and be a part of the lives of their grandchildren. No one will love them like I will or take as much joy in them. It's not fair that both they and I will be robbed of such a special love. My daughter has student loans to pay off first and my son (in the same financial position) isn't even married yet. When I die, they will each get $30,000 in life insurance money. It's too bad there are no "reverse" mortgages on life insurance policies like there are on home mortgages. 

I truly believe that I will know these children after I have died but they will not know me. I know how special the relationship was between my grandmother and me. I don't know who I would be without having had that relationship. I just wish I could be that source of unconditional, pure and intense love for my grandchildren.  If God chooses to let me survive this disease, I believe it will be for my grandchildren and the immeasurable love I will get to lavish on them.