Relativity

Reality check today. We travelled to Tampa to see the surgeon at Moffitt Cancer Center. My oncologist wanted me to talk to him about the pros and cons of removing all the breast tissue that was left for reconstruction along with some of the lymph nodes in an effort to more completely remove all the cancer. Removing all the lymph nodes gives you “Popeye” arms with the resulting lymphedema. It would be difficult for him to decide which nodes to remove if he didn’t remove them all.   He explained that he didn't like to do surgery on Stage IV patients because we already know that the cancer has escaped into the rest of my body and even if we were able to remove some diseased tissue, we could not get all the microscopic cells with any other weapon than chemo.

Realizing that I will be on and off chemo the rest of my life was tough. There will come a time when the chemo is no longer effective or when the collateral damage of the toxicity of the chemo on the rest of my body results in something else killing me. Surgery would be a waste of time and excess trauma for my body. The other advantage of leaving the breast tissue in is that the cancer is more likely to return to that area and so it would act as my "canary in the mine" alerting me to the cancer’s return.  The best I can hope for is a clinical trial that might cure it or at least knock it down for long periods of time to give me breaks from the chemo.

I also realized I will never have hair again or eyebrows or eyelashes – weird what pops into your brain.

While I was sitting in a sort of stunned paralysis sipping coffee at Perkins, a teenager was rolled to a table in a wheelchair. He was immobilized head to toe but could move his eyes. I immediately felt like God had slapped me upside the face.  If he were my child, I would be offering to take his place, have cancer, whatever. I realized that I would negotiate with God for my child…maybe not for me but for my child – absolutely. Maybe I already had. Maybe Nicki and David are healthy because I already made a deal with God – who knows? I just know that my situation didn’t seem so overwhelming anymore. We are all going to die. I just know a bit more about how and when. My child is not strapped to a wheelchair with some horrible disease. Everything is relative. Having this happen to me rather than one of my children is so much easier. My heart went out to that mom who had to watch her child suffer every day.  I have to remember to not lose perspective.

Moffitt is located on the campus of the University of South Florida. I immediately made a mental note to learn more about the university for my students then realized that I will not be going back to work as a guidance counselor. I watched as the people around me were all doing their jobs and knew how much those jobs occupied their minds and lives. Taking care of a family and doing my job are all I've ever known. One of the things I loved about my job was that it connected me to the community, to families, to other schools and teachers and of course, to the kids. It was more than just a job; it was my way of contributing to society.  All that is gone and all I have to concentrate on now is this damn disease.  Now that I know I am not going back to my job, I have got to find something else to do. I cannot let dealing with cancer consume me.