Caregivers

 I honestly don't know how I could have gotten through this without my husband, John. There were times when I couldn't walk 5 steps without having to rest. He fed me, cleaned the house, did laundry, shopped and saved my life a couple of times by insisting we go to the emergency room when  all I wanted to do was sleep and see if I were better in the morning. I have no idea what all of this has taken out of him. He can't exactly tell me how hard it is. He can't talk to my kids about it without feeling that he is complaining about something that he sees is his responsibility "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."  I was explaining about life insurance and how it would be split among John and my kids when my son said, "John should just get it all, he takes such good care of you."  I was really impressed that David was able to appreciate all John does and make such a selfless offer.

On good days, I try to do all I can to make up for the days when I do little else but sleep or rest on the couch. It's just not fair that he has to do it all although I have to admit that if the situations were reversed, I probably wouldn't notice any difference. Doing it all seems to be the normal job description for most moms.  I'm just not used to having someone take care of me and all the things I used to handle. Since it is easy to work on my laptop, I still take care of the bills and the real estate business, insurance, and all the medical stuff (which involves quite a bit of time as the bills roll in faster and faster.)

What really drives me nuts is having to rest and have all the things on my "To do" list fill my brain.  It takes a tremendous amount of control not to suggest that John adopt my list as his own and show the same enthusiasm I have for getting everything on it done. I have to remind myself that he is 65 and has Parkinson's, He gets tired easily and has a lot on his mind dealing with both his illness and mine.

At least he has his boat.  He loves to fish and has wanted a boat all his life. His sons are coming down for Memorial Day week and he is looking forward to spending every day on that boat fishing with them. His daughter-in-law and two grandsons are coming too. That's what I'm anticipating the most. The boys, are 1 and 3 and absolutely adorable. We get to see them so little however, that each time is like the first and we have to get to know each other all over again. I just hope that they don't get upset about my being bald. I'm also worried about planning things for them to do since i have so little energy. Their mom is great though and understands the situation. It won't be much of a vacation for her taking care of the kids while the guys are fishing. I'm hoping we can go to the beach, use the pool and find some local things to do with the kids. I'd love to just give her some time to herself while I watch the kids. I remember how much that meant to me when I had small children. It is much more comfortable to me to be the caretaker.