Living in the Moment

Living in the Moment

My son left for his new adventure in New York today. His whole life is waiting for him. He's not sure what he's going to do but he has a couple of interviews and my niece to mentor him. Every aspect of his life is up for worry. I have no worries anymore. I'll always be concerned about having enough money but we should be comfortable.  I have nothing to do but try to stay alive until I die. Insurance takes care of medical bills and my disability insurance payments take care of other bills. I have no purpose but to exist. He and I are at opposite sides of life right now.

I'm sure other retirees go through the same transition. I know my dad did. He must have had twenty jobs over the course of his retirement. Chemo keeps me from getting too excited about finding another job. I'd be too tired. It is certainly a challenge to go from being stressed to the max over everything to just dealing with staying alive. I like not worrying about a job but I hate being useless. My mind is still waiting for marching orders while my body does nothing but record new reactions to the poison flowing through my veins (lately it's been super-sensitive teeth). I've wondered what it would be like one day to not have to worry about work. It's good, it's actually possible and it is very freeing. My job used to run my life. My life now exists as an entity of its own.

Perhaps this is my time to learn to live in the moment. Face Book says happiness can only exist "in the moment." My past was too hard and my future unknown so all I can do is get into the present. I've tried meditating with Oprah and Deepak but am not very successful. My ideal schedule would be - wake, meditation, breakfast, yoga, reading and writing, lunch, pool time, nap, dinner, news, documentary or movie. I'm sure that would get boring quickly too but it'd a good place to start and my day needs structure. I need to feel that I am still improving myself and contributing to society. So, even if no one ever reads this blog, it will be a witness to what I did during my limited time to learn to deal with acknowledging my mortality while living every moment.