Now what?

I've gone through 6 months of chemotherapy and a total of 9 months of not knowing what the hell comes next. I just realized that it is difficult to be happy without being able to indulge in the fantasy of immortality. We know we are all going to die but it never fails to amaze me how people without terminal disease like to proclaim "we're all going to die" as if I don't have the right to view my life differently given a prognosis of 2 years. I just want to ask those people if their comfort with the idea of dying is sufficient to have them trade places with me. Would they be less likely to proclaim the fact that "we are all going to die" if they really knew their days were numbered. We may all be knowledgeable of the fact that we are all going to die but let's admit it, none of us really believe we are going to die anytime soon. I hate being dismissed by that statement.

It's time to put some structure in my life.  I need a job. I need the energy to do more than keep track of medical bills and insurance claims all day. I need to be able to take care of my parents. I want my parents to know that they are loved and have a child dedicated to making their last years secure and comfortable.  I want them to know that I will always be there for them like they were for me.

I want my kids to know that they are more important to me than anything and that I will do anything to help them.  I need to be able to help my kids pay off their school loans so they can afford to have my grandchildren (or in David's case, afford to date so the process can at least begin).

I want my husband to know how very much I love him and how I want him to be able to count on me to take care of him if his Parkinson's gets worse. I want to see his grandchildren Caleb and Logan often and for both John and me to be part of their lives. I want to be able to leave him in a financially stable position.

I want....and so it goes. I hate being powerless.