Someone asked me recently what I had to show for working hard my whole life. I guess the answer to that question depends upon what you value. Materially, I own a couple of properties (rather I have mortgages on 2 homes), have a decent IRA, a few degrees, a boat, a car, and some nice furniture. I would feel pretty lousy about my life if this were the sum total. When I think of what I have to show for working hard my whole life, I think of my kids but then I realize that while I tried very hard to be a good mom, I screwed up a lot and the way they turned out has more to do with the grace of God than with my abilities. I've been divorced twice so regardless of how hard I worked to be a good wife, divorce always says "failure." I'd like to think that 20 years of being a high school counselor left some legacy of being there for kids that were suicidal, pregnant, HIV positive, abused, molested, depressed, failing, confused or directionless. I tried my best to prepare students working to become counselors during the 7 years I taught graduate courses for Indiana University in the school counseling program. I hope that the 7 years I ran the daycare resulted in children feeling loved, parents feeling secure and my kids feeling like mom was always there, As for the 9 years I sold pianos and organs, I hope there were people who learned to value the wonder of music and the pride of learning to play.
More than any material things however, I hope that God will be able to say, "well done, good and faithful servant." I hope that God will tell me that I took the talents of silver he gave me and invested them well. I hope I was more of a giver than a taker. I hope I faced each day looking for ways to serve more than to be served. Realistically however, each day presented its challenges and I failed more often than not.
Those goals have become even more difficult recently. Now that the cancer and chemo have kept me from working. I found out that my long-term disability insurance, which I had paid into my whole working life, will not pay a thing since I am getting a social security disability payment. I took for granted that long-term disability insurance was exactly what it sounded like. Apparently the fine print would have been important to have read prior to needing the benefit. I expected my pension, social security and the disability insurance benefit would be enough to replace my income in the event of a disabling event.
It turns out social security limits what you can make and LTD insurance can refuse benefits if you are receiving benefits from anyone else. Social security also says you must wait 2 years before you can qualify for Medicare. So, in addition to having my income cut by 2/3, I have to take on an additional $900/mo bill for an Obamacare health policy. It is easy to feel victimized by the very systems I supported for 44 years I feel cheated, abandoned and hurt. I feel that way towards the person who asked what I had to show for my life too.
I pray that I never forget the constant presence of God's grace in my life. Every time I begin to feel morally superior, judgemental or disdainful of others,I pray that God reminds me of when I was brought lowest and who was there to rescue me. My pride tells me that I alone am responsible for my successes, honesty tells me I did nothing on my own. Disease, loss of a job, an accident, anything can bring the most prideful to their knees. I tried to prepare for the unknown but insurance can have loopholes and illness can be indiscriminate. Hard work provides no protection. It is hard not to scream that it is unfair until you realize that there are always others for whom life is so much worse. Hurt and anger are my "go to" emotions even if perhaps they shouldn't be.
Hurt has a way of inducing anger. Anger is easier to deal with than despair. Each time the anger dissipates, I have to decide whether to rev it up again or follow the leanings of my heart to search out healing. There are no guarantees when you put yourself out there but if you don't, you do guarantee that you will spend the rest of your life being angry. Anger kills the soul. Humility and forgiveness strengthen it. Love requires incredible strength and we all fall short of fulfilling its requirements. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Cor.13
I always knew that Cor.13 denounced boastfulness, pride and keeping track of wrongs, but never realized that it also contained advice on how to cope with the cruelties of the social security system and people with hardened hearts.
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