100 Years to Live

    I'm listening to Maroon 5's 100 years to live. It reminds me of Sinatra's "When I was 17." Both talk of how fleeting life is. There is so much time at 15 that age itself is the problem - not enough of it. It seems like it will be forever until you are old enough to do anything - be independent, get out of school, travel, experience life. I doubt anyone appreciates being in school. In hindsight, it was probably the best time. Even though I am still paying student loans and I worked full-time every weekend, all I had to do during the week was go to class and learn. I looked better than any other time in my life. I spent 8 months living in Rome and traveling all over western Europe. I was the only one who closed doors for myself. I got engaged to a safe and approved choice even though I knew I was compromising. I gave up law school because supporting your husband is what you do when you get married.  I didn't believe in myself enough to choose an unfamiliar path and take a chance on leaving everything safe behind.  Like the song says, "I'm 22 for a moment." From that moment on my life felt like a Japanese bullet train. Divorce, dating, marriage, 2 kids, daycare, master's degree, high school counseling career, doctorate, kids grown, divorce, dating again for 10 years, then finding John. Three months later, a diagnosis of cancer. Two years later, a diagnosis of Stage IV.
      Each age was "for a moment." I've had an amazing life.  I certainly made some big mistakes and if I could have a "re-do" who knows what repercussions there would be?  The very best part of my life - no doubt whatsoever, is Nicki and David.  If I changed any mistakes before their births, I would lose the most precious part of my life. Any changes after their birth may not have led to John. I guess it's a good thing we don't get any Mulligans in life.
     My son, David, is a confirmed believer that given the same circumstances, we would all make the same choices. I guess with no more knowledge than I had at the time, I'd probably repeat my actions. Like most people, the decisions I made throughout my life were based on wanting to feel loved, accepted, acknowledged and validated. A lot of women, myself included, take on 2 or 3 full-time jobs taking care of kids, home and career. I added picking up a Master's and Doctorate, then teaching graduate courses part-time in addition to everything else. These were my choices but when no one stepped up to help, I felt taken-advantage of and disrespected but mostly I felt unloved.
    Like I said, if  had been able to correct some decisions in my past, I would never met John. I honestly can't imagine anyone being able to love me like John. First off all, I'm used to being the caretaker so to have someone else volunteer to do all the things that I used to do for everyone else is beyond my comprehension.  He just amazes me with his compassion, his ability to anticipate my needs and act on it, his innate sweetness and his sense of devotion. He is as far away from being self-centered as a person can be. He has shown me that being a man means you don't have to choose between these traits and masculinity. In fact, a real man has all these traits in abundance plus    integrity, character and commitment. I wish I could be as good a woman as he is a man.
    So here I am at 60 - "for a moment." Perhaps there is still time to work on being a better person, reduce the number of mistakes I make, and try to make the lives of those around me better. My aunt Rene died last night. She was a loving, self-sacrificing and quiet woman. I never heard her complain although she dealt with serious illness a good portion of her life. She provided a home for her son and his 2 daughters and took care of my uncle until his death. I admire and aspire to such devotion and humility.  She was a person who used each of her "moments" to be a blessing to all those around her.