Mastectomy Scars

    For a culture that seems to be built upon the worship of big breasts, it is really weird to have a mastectomy with no reconstruction.  It is just GONE! There is nothing there but a long, gruesome scar. I look like the bride of Frankenstein waiting for a spare part.  The literature tells you to avoid the lightweight bra fillers and go for the heavier, more realistic silicon prostheses if you still have one breast left. Apparently being unevenly weighted can cause balance and back problems. Who knew breasts performed such vital functions?

Unfortunately the pathology report on the tissue removed showed cancer in 2 of the 4 lymph nodes that were taken and showed some small, but cancerous tumors. None of this showed up on the PET scan, so when they told me I was cancer free, they meant except for the no-see-ums that were too small to show up. I had gone out of my way to prepare others and myself for the possibility of not getting all the cancer. However, knowing that it is still there after so many rounds of chemo and surgeries, really pops my balloon.

He didn't take all of the lymph nodes for fear of lymph edema (extreme swelling of my left arm - think Popeye) which irritated me because I'd rather take a shot on getting it all and deal with the lymph edema than do a half-way job and take a chance on leaving some cancer. I realize that since it was in the lymph nodes and because they found several small tumors, that it is probably systemic. That means I'll be on chemo or radiation for the rest of my life. My best hope is to get into a program using genetic matching to try to find a chemo drug that will attack the cancer only and not everything else.

Even though I knew the chances were 1 in a million for a cure, it is still a blow to acknowledge that there is cancer running around in my body just looking for a place to lodge and grow. I need to figure out how to live under this new set of circumstances. Up until now, I have just been dealing with the illness, the chemo,  the surgery, the drain tube, the scar, and the hope that it would go away. My life has to be more than just reacting to treatment and preparing for the next step. I have to develop a new normal that includes treatment but isn't driven by it. My life will be with cancer it will not BE cancer.