What have you got to show for your life?

       Someone asked me recently what I had to show for working hard my whole life. I guess the answer to that question depends upon what you value. Materially, I own a couple of properties (rather I have mortgages on 2 homes), have a decent IRA, a few degrees, a boat, a car, and some nice furniture. I would feel pretty lousy about my life if this were the sum total. When I think of what I have to show for working hard my whole life, I think of my kids but then I realize that while I tried very hard to be a good mom, I screwed up a lot and the way they turned out has more to do with the grace of God than with my abilities. I've been divorced twice so regardless of how hard I worked to be a good wife, divorce always says "failure." I'd like to think that 20 years of being a high school counselor left some legacy of being there for kids that were suicidal, pregnant, HIV positive, abused, molested, depressed, failing, confused or directionless. I tried my best to prepare students working to become counselors during the 7 years I taught graduate courses for Indiana University in the school counseling program. I hope that the 7 years I ran the daycare resulted in children feeling loved, parents feeling secure and my kids feeling like mom was always there, As for the 9 years I sold pianos and organs, I hope there were people who learned to value the wonder of music and the pride of learning to play.

More than any material things however, I hope that God will be able to say, "well done, good and faithful servant." I hope that God will tell me that I took the talents of silver he gave me and invested them well. I hope I was more of a giver than a taker. I hope I faced each day looking for ways to serve more than to be served. Realistically however, each day presented its challenges and I failed more often than not.

Those goals have become even more difficult recently. Now that the cancer and chemo have kept me from working. I found out that my long-term disability insurance, which I had paid into my whole working life, will not pay a thing since I am getting a social security disability payment. I took for granted that long-term disability insurance was exactly what it sounded like. Apparently the fine print would have been important to have read prior to needing the benefit.  I expected my pension, social security and the disability insurance benefit would be enough to replace my income in the event of a disabling event.

It turns out social security limits what you can make and LTD insurance can refuse benefits if you are receiving benefits from anyone else.  Social security also says you must wait 2 years before you can qualify for Medicare. So, in addition to having my income cut by 2/3, I have to take on an additional $900/mo bill for an Obamacare health policy. It is easy to feel victimized by the very systems I supported for 44 years I feel cheated, abandoned and hurt. I feel that way towards the person who asked what I had to show for my life too.

 I pray that I never forget the constant presence of God's grace in my life. Every time I begin to feel morally superior, judgemental or disdainful of others,I pray that God reminds me of when I was brought lowest and who was there to rescue me.  My pride tells me that I alone am responsible for my successes, honesty tells me I did nothing on my own. Disease, loss of a job, an accident, anything can bring the most prideful to their knees. I tried to prepare for the unknown but insurance can have loopholes and illness can be indiscriminate. Hard work provides no protection. It is hard not to scream that it is unfair until you realize that there are always others for whom life is so much worse. Hurt and anger are my "go to" emotions even if perhaps they shouldn't be. 

Hurt has a way of inducing anger. Anger is easier to deal with than despair. Each time the anger dissipates, I have to decide whether to rev it up again or follow the leanings of my heart to search out healing.  There are no guarantees when you put yourself out there but if you don't, you do guarantee that you will spend the rest of your life being angry. Anger kills the soul. Humility and forgiveness strengthen it. Love requires incredible strength and we all fall short of fulfilling its requirements. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Cor.13

I  always knew that Cor.13  denounced boastfulness, pride and keeping track of wrongs, but never realized that it also contained advice on how to cope with the cruelties of the social security system and people with hardened hearts.

100 Years to Live

    I'm listening to Maroon 5's 100 years to live. It reminds me of Sinatra's "When I was 17." Both talk of how fleeting life is. There is so much time at 15 that age itself is the problem - not enough of it. It seems like it will be forever until you are old enough to do anything - be independent, get out of school, travel, experience life. I doubt anyone appreciates being in school. In hindsight, it was probably the best time. Even though I am still paying student loans and I worked full-time every weekend, all I had to do during the week was go to class and learn. I looked better than any other time in my life. I spent 8 months living in Rome and traveling all over western Europe. I was the only one who closed doors for myself. I got engaged to a safe and approved choice even though I knew I was compromising. I gave up law school because supporting your husband is what you do when you get married.  I didn't believe in myself enough to choose an unfamiliar path and take a chance on leaving everything safe behind.  Like the song says, "I'm 22 for a moment." From that moment on my life felt like a Japanese bullet train. Divorce, dating, marriage, 2 kids, daycare, master's degree, high school counseling career, doctorate, kids grown, divorce, dating again for 10 years, then finding John. Three months later, a diagnosis of cancer. Two years later, a diagnosis of Stage IV.
      Each age was "for a moment." I've had an amazing life.  I certainly made some big mistakes and if I could have a "re-do" who knows what repercussions there would be?  The very best part of my life - no doubt whatsoever, is Nicki and David.  If I changed any mistakes before their births, I would lose the most precious part of my life. Any changes after their birth may not have led to John. I guess it's a good thing we don't get any Mulligans in life.
     My son, David, is a confirmed believer that given the same circumstances, we would all make the same choices. I guess with no more knowledge than I had at the time, I'd probably repeat my actions. Like most people, the decisions I made throughout my life were based on wanting to feel loved, accepted, acknowledged and validated. A lot of women, myself included, take on 2 or 3 full-time jobs taking care of kids, home and career. I added picking up a Master's and Doctorate, then teaching graduate courses part-time in addition to everything else. These were my choices but when no one stepped up to help, I felt taken-advantage of and disrespected but mostly I felt unloved.
    Like I said, if  had been able to correct some decisions in my past, I would never met John. I honestly can't imagine anyone being able to love me like John. First off all, I'm used to being the caretaker so to have someone else volunteer to do all the things that I used to do for everyone else is beyond my comprehension.  He just amazes me with his compassion, his ability to anticipate my needs and act on it, his innate sweetness and his sense of devotion. He is as far away from being self-centered as a person can be. He has shown me that being a man means you don't have to choose between these traits and masculinity. In fact, a real man has all these traits in abundance plus    integrity, character and commitment. I wish I could be as good a woman as he is a man.
    So here I am at 60 - "for a moment." Perhaps there is still time to work on being a better person, reduce the number of mistakes I make, and try to make the lives of those around me better. My aunt Rene died last night. She was a loving, self-sacrificing and quiet woman. I never heard her complain although she dealt with serious illness a good portion of her life. She provided a home for her son and his 2 daughters and took care of my uncle until his death. I admire and aspire to such devotion and humility.  She was a person who used each of her "moments" to be a blessing to all those around her.