I think I am slipping from denial past anger and bargaining into depression. I haven't blogged for weeks because, for the first time, I've been really sick. I either caught some kind of bug or had a reaction to a drug or chemo and started coughing so hard my entire body was under its control. I also suffered a pulmonary embolism that landed me in the hospital for 4 days during which time a valve was inserted in my vena cava to catch anymore wayward blood clots that decided to travel from my legs to my lungs. I started to lose my balance and could only walk small distances (couch to kitchen) before having to sit or lie down to catch my breath. Apparently the clots in my lungs were making it difficult for the blood being pumped in to them to be oxygenated. This was also causing my heart to work harder to get the blood in to my lungs. It's scary when you are breathing as quickly as you can and it still feels like you aren't getting any air into your lungs. I then broke out in a rash that covered my arms, legs and feet. Being immobilized, controlled by a powerful cough, covered with a crusty rash, incontinent, unable to walk or breathe and incredibly tired all the time mad me realize why at some point, I might choose to stop chemo. I'm seeing an oncologist, a cardiologist, a pulmonary specialist and my primary care doctor. None of them can figure out what's wrong with me. I had an EKG, echo cardiogram, blood work ups, a biopsy of the rash and a CT scan and they still don't know. I am having a PET scan on July 21st to see if there is an detectable cancer left. If not, I'm having surgery again on my left breast and lymph nodes then radiation. The assault on my body continues. What scares me most is that my body will collapse under the weight of too many assaults, be unable to cope and just shut down. Other things breaking down will probably kill me before the cancer does.
I've taken my health for granted my whole life. The body is a wondrous thing when everything works together but just let a few things get out of whack and the delicate balance is destroyed. It is finally sinking in that I am really sick and might not get better. In the back of my mind I thought I would beat it somehow and be normal again someday. The damage done to my organs by 6 months of poisoning is unknowable at this point but as more symptoms pop up every day I feel myself losing the war. I'm tired of being too tired to do anything, I'm tired of not being able to walk very far without being able to breathe or coughing uncontrollably. There are others in far worse shape than I, I need to remember that and keep some perspective.
Inevitably after several weeks of just reacting to symptoms without finding a cause, you wonder if the rest of your life is going to be like this. Instead of getting better, I will just find ways to cope with new problems that come up. What a useless life that would be. David taught me how to post listings for him on Craigslist. Finally I have something useful I can do with my time from my spot on the couch and my laptop besides just pay bills.
I mentioned that I skipped anger and bargaining. As I mentioned before, this is probably because you have to have someone to be angry and bargain with. I believe in God but I was raised Catholic and so much of Catholicism has to do with sin and punishment that I always feel that I deserve anything bad that happens to me in atonement for my sins and because of that, would not dare bargain on my behalf. As for anger, what's the point? Life is unfair, it always has been and always will. At this point in my life I expect things to be unfair as I have gone through so many glaringly unfair experiences and never once has getting angry ever changed anything.
Depression then, is what I am fighting because it is such a waste of time. It paralyzes which keeps all feelings, good and bad, from being experienced. I want to live my life to the fullest all the way to the end. I suppose it is normal to mourn the loss of all that could have been for awhile. I just don't want to get stuck there. Let's hope "Acceptance" is just around the corner.
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